


The Birds and The Bees and The Heirs to a Kingdom

by inheritanceofgeek



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bard is a hypocrite, Cultural Differences, F/M, M/M, Misunderstandings, Overly Protective Parents, Sigrid needs to learn subtlety, Thranduil is a Drama Queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 02:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5317712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inheritanceofgeek/pseuds/inheritanceofgeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Elvish Culture, physical displays of affection are kept to the minimum and rarely shown in public. </p><p>Having ignored Mortals for most of his life, Thranduil is shocked to see the behaviour between the young heirs of Dale and Erebor. </p><p>Or</p><p>In which cultural misunderstandings lead to parent/child conflict.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birds and The Bees and The Heirs to a Kingdom

**Author's Note:**

> I was writing a fic and came up with the idea of Tauriel congtulating the pair on their marriage, after hearing from Kíli that they finally Did the Do. However, it didn't quite fit and so I decided to give it a whole ficlet of its own, but with everyone's favourite Drama Queen leading the way.

Thranduil had never found the bi-monthly council meetings of The Three Kingdoms all that entertaining. They mostly contained Thorin shouting at him for his disinterest, whilst Bard rubbed at his temples in exasperation. But this time, whilst his gaze roved over the assembled nobles he spotted Bard’s eldest linking fingers gently with the person next to her. His eyes shot to see who this was and was outraged to find that it was the crowned prince of the dwarves himself, sharing a look with her that could only be described as filthy. Well, by Elven standards at least.

 

Their behaviour was outrageous. Sitting there in public, in a _council_ meeting holding hands and no doubt rubbing their feet together like common harlots. The grins on their faces were certainly not the look of innocent youth that he’d seen in mortals in the pass; no, this was an experienced couple, learned in their ways. His sharp eyes narrowed to examine their faces more closely and as Prince Fíli leant over to put forth a suggestion that might calm his brute of an Uncle, his hair fell forward to reveal a brown and yellow mark upon his neck.

 

“This is an insult!” cried Thranduil, standing to his feet “How dare you not invite me to the ceremony!”

 

“What ceremony?” asked Bard in confusion “We don’t have a ceremony for the planting of corn, were we meant to have one? My Lord Thranduil, we don’t have time to--”

 

“Not for that, for them you fool! For them!” he pointed accusingly “I am aware that sometimes such matters are for family alone, but given their state as the heirs to your kingdoms,” He said, glaring at each monarch in turn “I would have thought you would have had the wisdom to invite the elves as well! Or do we not matter in your eyes? Are we not worthy enough to witness the vows of your children?”

 

Bard and Thorin blinked at him, not knowing what to say. Sigrid and Fíli nervously shifted apart and were looking at Thranduil with what they hoped appeared to be polite confusion, but their hands were still grasped beneath the table revealing their defiance to his ways.

 

“What vows? The only vows that have taken place are those you gave us towards your continued aid which you have already broken by not--” began Thorin

 

“Their wedding vows of course! Between the Lady Sigrid and Crowned Prince Fíli! Do not play dumb with me, Oakenshield, they must have been married for at least a month now surely?” he said, glaring at the two of them

 

Bard had made the mistake of taking a sip of water as Thranduil said that and was now trying his best to stifle his choking whilst also saving his notes from getting destroyed.

 

“We’re not married!” said Sigrid in a slightly high-pitched voice

 

“We’re not even betrothed!” continued Fíli

 

“We’re just friends!” they said together, though the look of panic in their eyes told a different story. They were not fooling anyone now.

 

Balin let out a groan and rested his head in his hands “You just couldn’t keep it in your trousers, could you Laddie?”

 

“PRINCE FÍLI! YOU LITTLE--” said Bard slamming his goblet on the table as he sprung to his feet

 

“Da, don’t.” said Sigrid, rising from her chair to take on her Father “Need I remind you how many months is was between your wedding to Ma and my birth? Was it six or seven I can’t recall…”

 

Bard spluttered at her, his face growing red “We weren’t heirs to kingdoms! It was different. You two need to be held to higher standards than the rest of us!”

 

People were murmuring amongst themselves now, eyes flickering between the assembled royals. Balin kept a strong hand on Thorin’s shoulder to stop him from going after Fíi, who had the look of a cornered deer upon his face. The advisors from Dale began to to shift awkwardly in their seats as the staring contest between their King and their Princess continued.

 

“Hold on,” frowned Thranduil “how can your daughter have been born before you were married? That doesn’t make any sense…”

 

“What I, we’re not here to talk about The Birds and the Bees Thranduil!”

 

“What do birds and bees have to do with it? Is this some strange mortal custom nobody has told me anything about?”

 

“Because we had sex, okay!” said Bard in frustration “Because we were only commoners, not dignitaries and we were young and in love. Kendra got pregnant so we got married so as Sigrid wouldn’t be a bastard and Kendra’s Da wouldn’t throw me into the lake. It didn’t matter though, because we were so deeply in love thqt our marriage was inevitable anyway.” He added

 

“Wait, so sexual intercourse is not the same as marriage in your cultures?”

 

“What? No!” cried Sigrid “Of course not!”

 

“Oh that’s alright then.” Said Thranduil sitting back down “Carry on.”

 

Everyone turned to stare at him as he brushed down his robes and inclined his head towards Bard “You were talking about next year’s harvest, I believe?”

 

“Wait just a second.” Said Bard, “I’m not done with these two yet!” he turned on the heirs once more “I want to know what his intentions” he pointed angrily at Fíli “are with my Sigrid, now that he’s sullied her in this way.”

 

“Sullied?” She barked “I thought I was worth more to you than that. I’m not some delicate flower in need of protecting! I’m not your property Da, I’m my own person, thank you very much. Plus there’s been mutual _sullying_ so if you’re going to want ‘revenge’ you’re going to have to go through me first.” She huffed

 

“Sigrid, Amrâlimê,” said Fíli standing up to calm her “This is not the time nor the place.”

 

“No.” agreed Thorin gruffly, standing to his feet “I suggest we adjourn for today, I think I need to have some words with my nephew about decorum and appropriate behaviour towards fellow dignitaries.” He glowered

 

Fíli rolled his eyes and muttered something about Hobbits that only the keen hearing of the elves could pick up and made Thranduil wonder at the free flowing nature of mortals’ souls.

 

“Fine.” Said Bard, his gaze fixed on Fíli “But I’m still not done with you yet, Dwarf.”

 

“We’ll send him back tomorrow with his Mother and you two can, ah, talk things through? Should anything be required of either parent.” Said Balin, diplomatically.

 

“An excellent idea, Master Balin.” Nodded Marge, her Father’s oldest friend and most trusted advisor, standing to rest a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to stop him from doing anything too drastic. “We’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Fíli turned to hold Sigrid’s hand once more. All the elves politely averted their gaze as she pressed a kiss to his cheek “I’m sorry.” She whispered

 

“Don’t be.” He smiled back “It was just as much my idea as it was yours.” She clung onto his hand for as long as she could as he was all but dragged away by his Uncle, his brother following behind with the largest shit-eating grin imaginable. After all, _he’d_ been going to great lengths to respect elven courting rituals, so was quite ecstatic to see his brother punished for not following them. He'd been teased about them too often to hold any sympathy for him.

 

Sigrid flopped back down in her chair as everyone else picked up their things and left.

 

“You couldn’t have been at least a little bit subtle about it, could you Love?” asked Marge, patting her on the back.

 

“I was being subtle.” She huffed “Until King Pointy Ears ruined it.”

 

“No Love, you weren’t.” she grinned, “We’ve all known for a while now. Well, those with eyes have anyway.”

 

“You knew and you never said anything to me!” cried Bard turning on her now

 

“The number of times she’s been up to ‘accompany’ the Traders to Erebor these past few months? That time she disappeared altogether during the Harvest Moon Ball? That dreamy look in her eyes whenever his name in mentioned?” Marge chuckled “She takes too much after you and Kendra. Seven Months indeed. We were surprised it wasn’t five the way you two carried on.”

 

“This, this is not about Kendra and I!” huffed Bard “Don’t try and change the subject.”

 

“Oh go and suck the Elf King’s Cock. We all know you want to.” Replied Marge tersely as she took Sigrid by the arm and lead her from the room, taking a moment to admire the gaping mouth and reddened face of her King.

 

“Now then Sigrid,” she said, patting her on the hand once they were out of ear shot “I think it’s time you and I talked about when you last bled…”

 

And so, with his new understanding of mortal cultures, Thranduil found himself perfectly at ease when the newly wedded couple presented their first born to the Kingdoms. For whilst he may have otherwise thought the child to be very large for being born at seven months, he knew that really it was nearer to ten when you took everything into calculation.

 

“It’s because they had sex _before_ they got married.” He explained to Legolas, who had not been at the meeting as he was still been out looking for Isulder’s heir. Everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and stare at Thranduil, who had perhaps spoken a little too loudly.

 

“Oh. Do we pretend that we don’t all know that they had sex outside of marriage?”

 

“Something like that yes.” Sighed Bard, as he cradled his grandson in his arms, too awash now with joy to hold any more rage. If sex before marriage meant he got to meet little Beren sooner rather than later, well then, who was he to complain?


End file.
